Resentment occurs when an emotion, usually anger or irritation, lingers over time—directed toward other people or a person due to a real, misinterpreted (assumed), or imagined injustice.
It can emerge when we feel that the other side in a relationship is not giving their best effort, is criticizing us despite our efforts, or is not treating us the way we would like.
When we feel resentful, it’s easy to slip into the role of the victim, but also to experience anger, shame, or fear of conflict and discussing our emotions. What often happens is that we say nothing, yet beneath the surface, we harbor resentment—and our anger grows, grows, and grows.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned on my coaching journey, it’s that choosing discomfort is better than surrendering to resentment. As Brené Brown put it: “Choose discomfort over resentment.”
For me, this means that in situations where I feel discomfort, resentment, or bitterness in a relationship, I choose either to let go and accept or to take action—to talk about how I feel, confront my emotions, and share them with the other person. Acknowledging that something is happening in our relationship that could harm us in the long run means giving our relationship a chance to improve.
Most often, this is difficult. But avoiding conversations about how I feel due to a real or perceived injustice is ultimately harmful—not just for me, but for our relationship as well.
Engaging in an open, honest, and human conversation, asking for a change in the relationship, understanding, or what I need…
This is hard, and we usually want to avoid it because we fear the risk of conflict or an uncomfortable discussion. But if we don’t do it, we slowly move toward even greater resentment, bitterness, and hostility.
As I see it, choosing discomfort instead of surrendering to resentment is an act of love—love for myself, for the other person, and for our relationship. Choosing discomfort means setting clear boundaries, avoiding people-pleasing, and staying true to ourselves. It means being authentic and honest about the relationship, about what is happening within it, and how it is evolving.
Often, we give in to resentment out of fear of harming a relationship. But in reality, resentment slowly erodes the very relationship we are trying to protect.